autophagy: rebirth – Andrew Hahn

my college roommate stayed my friend after i came out     after i lost everyone     liberty
university is God’s graveyard for gays     how many times did that tree off 501 whisper     how
many times did the painkillers temporarily kill the pain but not kill me     how many times did i
pray my heart would stop     & God would finally come out from hiding and take me to wherever
he was

i can’t even remember

my roommate lay on the top bunk & asked     what do you prefer in men

you know that feeling     i said     when you see a girl you like     you think about what you should
say when you talk to her next     & you think about how to see her btwn classes to make it look
like a coincidence

i imagine he nodded as he sighed    so it’s normal love

we lay with the truth between us listening to the world’s hums     :     the air ducts     cars driving
down the road & not crashing into trees     the laundry spin cycle

i love you     i said to him     the streetlamps like a nightlight    i want to tell him now     thank you
for saving me

he said     i love you too     that moment in the quiet    the feeling of crying out for God &
realizing he’s always been there